Seltzer Cole is a UK-based author who writes

‘darkly humorous fiction and non-fiction books that
delve into the quirks and peculiarities of human
relationships and the messiness of modern life.’

seltzer|cole

20
25

WORDS|BOOKS

COMING | SOON

That Time I Cut Myself Shaving & Other Razor-Sharp

Observations is a laugh-out-loud collection of true
stories about moments - those magical, miserable or
mundane times when something memorable happens.


seltzer|cole

20
25

WORDS|BOOKS

PUBLISHED | 15/03

A darkly funny, brutally honest and painfully

relatable collection of eighty stories that pose

the question: “What does it really mean to be a man?”

Witty, irreverent, and unsettlingly familiar, you might

see your friends, family or someone familiar

—maybe even the person reflected in your mirror!


The Hangry Man

He Lived a Life

There Once Was a Man

Ab Uno Disce Omnes

Messy

The Watcher

Say My Name

A Blast from The Past

The Panjandrum

The Backbiter

In The Company of Men

A Man in Full

Nowhere To Run

The Power and the Glory

The Sonless Father

Dust to Dust

A Running Man

Kill Me Once

Tired, Not Lazy

Now You See Him


Just the Man

Law Abiding Criminal

The Old Guy in the Club

The Special Guest

Shoeless

Toothless

The Sleeper

Hideous Icky

Sentabaquatabaquatwentinyek

The Comedian

He Who Smelt It

The Delivery Man

Mr Emergency

To Be Somebody

Blue Blood, Blue Foot

The Laughing Man

Manful

Whispers in the Dark

If the Shoe Fits

The Man Who Stretched His Legs


Dawn Chorus

The Man with the Soothing Voice

The Toilet Guy

A Dog and a Man

The Shame of Crying

Peekaboo

Everyman

A Good Name

Island Man

The Letter Writer

The Madder Hatter

Just One Man

The Troll

The Invisible Man

Pseudo

Slaphead

Rite of Passage

The Tramp

The Artist’s Way

The Expatigrant


Concerned Citizen

The Crim

They Called Him Joyful

The Last Supper

More Man Than He’ll Ever Be

The Godfather, Part VII

His Life was History

The Last One Left

Love Thy Neighbour

There Still Is a Man

Respectable

Obituary

A High Value Man

Shameless

A Whole Other Person

Thank you for the Music

49, 50

Patriot Games

The Eulogy

X

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN STORIES

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN EXCERPTS (PRE-EDIT):


He Lived a Life

“He was stick thin, short and stooped, with sloping shoulders, a
sunken chest, and a high-speed squint as if a sirocco had swept

a cloud of Saharan sand into his eyes.”


There Once Was a Man

“Marcus went barefoot into the kitchen and opened the freezer
compartment of the fridge. He pulled out a half-eaten bag of
frozen chips secured by a cable tie. He cut the fastener with

a kitchen knife and retrieved the unopened pack of unsmoked
streaky bacon hidden inside. He grunted with satisfaction; a
happy smile lighting up his face.”

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN EXCERPTS (Continued):


Patriot Games

On the Friday morning that followed a Thursday night of rioting in a small enclave of South
London, Samson Munyama walked through empty streets with a heavy heart, amidst the

debris and detritus of disorder. The acrid smell of charred wood lingered in the air. The

tensions that led to pitched battles between warring factions hung heavy in the
atmosphere, forcing frightened locals to cower in their homes, fearful of a return of the
troublemakers.”

The Sonless Father

“When Emmanuel went downstairs, he gently pushed open the door to the living room and

saw his father lying in the foetal position on the filthy, fraying carpet. The old man had
stopped moaning, but his rheumy eyes were sparkling with rage. One of his hands held the
front of his trousers together, while the other propped up the chamber pot that was tilted

at an angle, teetering on the edge of spilling over.

THERE ONCE WAS A MAN EXCERPTS (Continued):


The Watcher

“He witnessed teenage thieves, thugs in their thirties, drug dealing dads, and juvenile
junkies
lay siege to a street of citizens struggling to survive and keep body and soul
together.
Through half-closed curtains, he saw babies crying long into the night, probably
having soiled their nappies, while their stressed out, sex-starved single mothers screamed

in ecstasy in snatched seconds with one-night stands.


Eulogy

“The thickset man in the made-to-measure suit, with dyed and powdered hair parted at the
side, and an ashy, gunmetal grey pallor to his skin, was my father.

Handsomeness had left his face decades earlier, replaced by a scowl that pretended to be a
smile;
but it didn’t fool anybody. That rictus grin was now permanent, courtesy of an
embalmer’s expertise. It gave my dad the expression of a man whose tongue had lost the

sweet taste of joy and was forever sampling the biting flavour of bitterness.