Seltzer Cole is a UK-based author who writes
‘darkly humorous fiction and non-fiction books that
delve into the quirks and peculiarities of human
relationships and the messiness of modern life.’
seltzer|cole
20
25
WORDS|BOOKS
COMING | SOON
That Time I Cut Myself Shaving & Other Razor-Sharp
Observations is a laugh-out-loud collection of true
stories about moments - those magical, miserable or
mundane times when something memorable happens.
seltzer|cole
20
25
WORDS|BOOKS
PUBLISHED | 15/03
A darkly funny, brutally honest and painfully
relatable collection of eighty stories that pose
the question: “What does it really mean to be a man?”
Witty, irreverent, and unsettlingly familiar, you might
see your friends, family or someone familiar
—maybe even the person reflected in your mirror!
The Hangry Man
He Lived a Life
There Once Was a Man
Ab Uno Disce Omnes
Messy
The Watcher
Say My Name
A Blast from The Past
The Panjandrum
The Backbiter
In The Company of Men
A Man in Full
Nowhere To Run
The Power and the Glory
The Sonless Father
Dust to Dust
A Running Man
Kill Me Once
Tired, Not Lazy
Now You See Him
Just the Man
Law Abiding Criminal
The Old Guy in the Club
The Special Guest
Shoeless
Toothless
The Sleeper
Hideous Icky
Sentabaquatabaquatwentinyek
The Comedian
He Who Smelt It
The Delivery Man
Mr Emergency
To Be Somebody
Blue Blood, Blue Foot
The Laughing Man
Manful
Whispers in the Dark
If the Shoe Fits
The Man Who Stretched His Legs
Dawn Chorus
The Man with the Soothing Voice
The Toilet Guy
A Dog and a Man
The Shame of Crying
Peekaboo
Everyman
A Good Name
Island Man
The Letter Writer
The Madder Hatter
Just One Man
The Troll
The Invisible Man
Pseudo
Slaphead
Rite of Passage
The Tramp
The Artist’s Way
The Expatigrant
Concerned Citizen
The Crim
They Called Him Joyful
The Last Supper
More Man Than He’ll Ever Be
The Godfather, Part VII
His Life was History
The Last One Left
Love Thy Neighbour
There Still Is a Man
Respectable
Obituary
A High Value Man
Shameless
A Whole Other Person
Thank you for the Music
49, 50
Patriot Games
The Eulogy
X
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN STORIES
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN EXCERPTS (PRE-EDIT):
He Lived a Life
“He was stick thin, short and stooped, with sloping shoulders, a
sunken chest, and a high-speed squint as if a sirocco had swept
a cloud of Saharan sand into his eyes.”
There Once Was a Man
“Marcus went barefoot into the kitchen and opened the freezer
compartment of the fridge. He pulled out a half-eaten bag of
frozen chips secured by a cable tie. He cut the fastener with
a kitchen knife and retrieved the unopened pack of unsmoked
streaky bacon hidden inside. He grunted with satisfaction; a
happy smile lighting up his face.”
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN EXCERPTS (Continued):
Patriot Games
“On the Friday morning that followed a Thursday night of rioting in a small enclave of South
London, Samson Munyama walked through empty streets with a heavy heart, amidst the
debris and detritus of disorder. The acrid smell of charred wood lingered in the air. The
tensions that led to pitched battles between warring factions hung heavy in the
atmosphere, forcing frightened locals to cower in their homes, fearful of a return of the
troublemakers.”
The Sonless Father
“When Emmanuel went downstairs, he gently pushed open the door to the living room and
saw his father lying in the foetal position on the filthy, fraying carpet. The old man had
stopped moaning, but his rheumy eyes were sparkling with rage. One of his hands held the
front of his trousers together, while the other propped up the chamber pot that was tilted
at an angle, teetering on the edge of spilling over.”
THERE ONCE WAS A MAN EXCERPTS (Continued):
The Watcher
“He witnessed teenage thieves, thugs in their thirties, drug dealing dads, and juvenile
junkies lay siege to a street of citizens struggling to survive and keep body and soul
together. Through half-closed curtains, he saw babies crying long into the night, probably
having soiled their nappies, while their stressed out, sex-starved single mothers screamed
in ecstasy in snatched seconds with one-night stands.”
Eulogy
“The thickset man in the made-to-measure suit, with dyed and powdered hair parted at the
side, and an ashy, gunmetal grey pallor to his skin, was my father.
Handsomeness had left his face decades earlier, replaced by a scowl that pretended to be a
smile; but it didn’t fool anybody. That rictus grin was now permanent, courtesy of an
embalmer’s expertise. It gave my dad the expression of a man whose tongue had lost the
sweet taste of joy and was forever sampling the biting flavour of bitterness.”